//. Steadfast

It's Christmas Eve (?).

It's Christmas Eve, and I could not tell you what I was doing this exact time on this day, last year. Or the years prior. Well, I mean... for being it a ridiculous hour in the morning, I suppose I was probably and hopefully sleeping. But.

It's funny to me that certain things in life -- no matter how many times God provides you the opportunity to run by that event again -- will always remain exciting because you hope that it will meet the bar that has been set all the times before, and yet at the same time, aim that it will potentially exceed all that you know so far about it. I know that there have been and always will be only twenty-four hours within this day. I also know that Christmas, that day that lies tomorrow in my personal agenda that I have the privilege to share with the human population, is something that is promised to come again. And yet I can't believe it when it's here and during my processing throughout, I become so numb to the reality that I forget that it's the reason why I invested a whole day after Thanksgiving to string those semi-tacky lights in front of the door. I forget the reason. And before I know it, it's the day after, and soon the next year. And somewhere in between, I desire for it to come again and I forget exactly what that day looked like, but I know I want it again because I know I can be a better person for it. Maybe.

Or maybe I just truly want to spend another entirety of a day stringing (and let's be honest) completely tacky lights in front of the door that the little sister trips over anyway and no one even really glances over at, because we live in a neighborhood that apparently possesses the committee of the Undercover Professional Christmas Elves, Inc.

Yeah, no.

It's Christmas Eve and I just stayed up all night, watching every classic holiday film with the anticipation that maybe it will encourage me to keep my hype up steadily 'til 12:01AM of December 26th. This lonely movie marathon didn't really work as much as it did assist me in realizing that I am very much single, that our world is corrupted in more ways than soda, I don't know the lyrics of 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' as well as I thought, and that I am not dating the following: Jude Law, Will Ferrell, Ben Affleck, or Jude Law.

I just stayed up all night and I didn't know why. All I knew was that I want to remember better how to appreciate a time as special as this. I want to not forget.

I decided to blog again. Good friends asked why I stopped. I never knew they read to begin with (yes, I did). Flattered? Sure. But I stopped because I got lazy. I'd like to say that life got in the way. I'm a full-time student. I have too much homework. I'm an on-call photographer. I have too much editing to do. I'm a committed Christian. I have "good deeds" to accomplish. I do not have time to sign off on dedicating to reflect, consider, and chew on the events breezing by...

Well then, I thought, what kind of a 'life' do you really have anyway?

I used to blog for others. I thought it was fun to satisfy others' thirsts during the demand of temporary entertainment. I liked to think I could accomplish the miscellaneous tasks that my peers would ask for, and that I could also resolve the heaviness that people would ponder upon... because I "have a way with words." But that is untrue. I was merely talented in masquerading the moments in life --happy or sad-- with cleverly disguised diction that was generous enough to carry me as a seemingly dignified individual.

I promised myself during this past summer that I would begin to write again.

Yep, it's definitely Christmas Eve today. Not summer.

(Although the weather has been eyebrow-raisingly peculiar for the season.)

Whether that be a mere word or an overly lengthy novel, I promised myself that I would write at least half as much of the words that I find myself immersed in during my sporadic realizations throughout the day. Maybe then could I have enough of a documented train-of-thought to build something. To gain knowledge about the patterns in life. An insight about why I believe the things that I do. A reason for my next step. To reflect, as my self-esteemed, relatively poetic friends like to say. And maybe, at one point, even realize that each and everyday is loaded with blessings and if we pay attention well enough, we will be able to notice at least one.

"Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you."

- 1 Cor. 11:2 //.ESV

I want to write to remember His blessings that He has self-sarcrificingly delivered to me. I want to never forget the reasons why the tacky Christmas lights are Christmas lights and not put up during any other season. I want to give thanks and put in the time that I know how toward the reason why I am undeservingly blessed with a break from school, among other things. I want to remember Him in every. single. thing. that. I. do. And one can only hope that God can speak through in every which way He desires. I think. No. I know that this is all I want. And not forget. And to not worry of incomplete sentences. Because, to be frank, my thoughts are definitely not complete more than half of the time.

But to be totally honest, maybe it has a little to do with the fact that others can read it, too. This, then, will keep me subconsciously accountable. And like our friendly Juicy Fruit commercial had once enlightened us back in the '90's, caring is sharing -- it can be fun.

So, anyway, I decided to blog again.

I want to chew on the things ahead of me before I simply take it in with an impatience of what is next.
Catch every ounce of what it has to give.

Merry Christmas Eve, friends.

Celebrate this time of remembrance.

Don't forget the splendor and amazing grace.